Q. I’m 43, a good-looking man, definitely a total dad bod, and currently rebuilding my entire existence after the end of a 10-year relationship involving the mother of my daughter.
Not the situation anyone would find attractive. Being a single parent also has disadvantages when it comes to starting new relationships. I find it difficult/impossible to meet someone for dating. I don’t drink anymore, so I don’t go to bars. I’ve tried just about all the dating apps.
I’m aware that I don’t have the best profile pictures and my wordings aren’t doing me justice. However, all I seem to attract online are females that I simply have no attraction for! Sounds superficial and probably is, actually. However it’s not just a preference, it’s the majority of the entire relationship for me. I need to be completely smitten by the person as a starting point before the thought of a relationship can happen.
I’ve been told I’m a good-looking guy. I’m 5-foot-11 — lots of tattoos. I’m 43, but feel younger. I’m comfortable dating younger or older people. Looking for someone who can stay together with me for a while. I’m definitely made of relationship material!!!
I may go in for a kiss on the first date!!! Just to break the tension or remove the whole awkwardness from the situation!!! I’m super straightforward with everything, to a fault!!!
43
Send your own anonymous question to Meredith.
A. My first thought: If you’re using three exclamation points in messages on dating apps, drop to one. Or none.
This is a personal preference, but I think it’s shared by many. If you start at three !!!’s, where is there to go when you actually say something exciting?
This relates to my next point: Your app profile is important, so get better pictures. You’re showing people who you are. There’s no need for glamour shots, but people should be able to see you — and what you like. I love a picture that shows someone doing a hobby they love.
Now for a thought on “smitten”-ness. It’s almost impossible to get that feeling about someone through a screen. A person can look beautiful on an app, but they might be boring on an actual date.
Really, you have to show up to get to three exclamation points. If you see someone on an app who falls in the category of “meh” or “she looks nice,” swipe right and go on a date.
Dive into these outings with the expectation that you might learn something. Meet people in unexpected places; it doesn’t have to be a bar. I recommend: museums, parks, and record shops.
MEREDITH
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READERS RESPOND:
Pheremones (smell) and body language are crucial to attraction. Those can only be experienced in person. Not to mention personality and habits must be observed and assessed for compatibility. Photos and videos are great, but they are only two-dimensional. … As for the GIANT transition phase you are in, getting used to the changes will be a process. Focus on being a dad. When the right woman comes along, she will LOVE that you are a good dad.
LITTLEPENGUIN456
You’re sabotaging yourself by this requirement of being absolutely smitten before going on one date with someone. I know you want a relationship, which is good, but lower the stakes, especially for someone you meet on an app. As long as you find a woman who likes you reasonably attractive, go on a date.
LEGALLYLIZ2017
Have a trusted friend take some nice, natural photos of you, or better yet, post some of you doing things that light you up.
PENSEUSE
I was going to offer encouragement, but then your letter got weird with the superficial smitten stuff/exclamation points. I’ll share it anyway: I met my partner when he was early 40s, recently divorced with a daughter, and had just stopped drinking. Dating with kids is more complicated, but for me his daughter is a bonus, not a drawback, and there are plenty of people out there who will feel that way.
DLL314
You might also want to rethink calling women “females.” We’re not science specimens. Really not a good look.
LIBRARY-QUEEN
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.
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